The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?" "I want a cheese sandwich!"Ī Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. "Well, wash your hands dammit," says the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."Ī guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. "Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate."Ī guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs."
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars." "Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad - you would laugh hysterically about it!"Ī bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. The guy in the baseball cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up. He then pisses everywhere - all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender.
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on." The guy in the baseball cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop." Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a baseball cap. "Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid." My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball. Here's some dirty bar jokes you can use in your bar.Īn old man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
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